Monday, September 3, 2012

Two Tickets to Paradox

Looks like you were already scalped...ha.... sorry..... just kidding.... I have two tickets for
the Stones 2013 Nasty Old Men Tour... or two tickets to the Elton John 2013 Tour I'm still Sitting tour... or The Beach Boys Beach old men tour.... and The Madonna Material Hip Replacement Tour...200 bucks each which includes complimentary cotton for your ears....  or a coupon for the miracle ear booth in the stadium which is next to the metamucil cookie stand...

Only 5 Dark Side Pricks Left Holding Up in Florida Mini Mart by Benjamin Fulford....

Satan, Lucifer, Peter Hans Kolvenbach, George Bush Sr. and Hillary Clinton have taken a  Florida mini mart hostage and are demanding people stop passing links around on the internet. Hostage negotiator Drake Bailey has borrowed Alex Jones's bull horn and the amplified sound of him spitting tobaccy, clearing his throat and sniffling is disgusting. 

"Hey evil men in the mini mart, time's a gittin old if'n you be so obliged come out witcher hands up and bring me one of dem der krispy kreme glazed double chocolate donuts and some redneck chaw and a redneck cherry slurpy and a 40 ounce Malt Ice and two powerball tickets for Wednesdays drawing... and the new issue of Jugs.... and a snickers.... and some TP....and a hot pocket.... don't fergit to flip it after 90 seconds in the micreywavey.... I'll pay ya when I git my crazy vet check at the end of dis here month."

"Go fuck yourself Santa Clod and tell Wilcock his tight little bottom was the best I ever had." Bush Sr. screamed back. Lucifer, embarrassed hid his face behind the sun glass rack and Satan helped himself to an ice cream bar ordering the Hindu clerk to give the key to the bathroom....

"I am sorry the bathroom is out of order" the Hindu clerk lied with a poker faced stare.

Satan hissed, "You lying foreign bastard we here in America extend rest room hospitality as part of the service station obligation to the public."

"Sorry the last man to use it did not flush." The Hindu explained.

"You know damn well the last man to use it was the Pope and he apologized for the ungodly mess." protested Kolvenbach who had to pee really badly also.

"Sorry, the sign says it is out of order and I cannot question the authority of a sign signed by the management." Replied the Hindu clerk.

Satan reached into the Hindu's chest and tore out his heart and ate it. Kolvenbach reached behind the counter and grabbed the key. Hillary found a shotgun under the counter and loaded it. She kicked open the door and blew a headlight out of the state trooper car.

"Goddamnit get me Bill!"  She screamed.

The phone rang at Bill Clinton's Harlem law office and Monica Lewinsky the paralegal answered. Clinton, Suckit and Swallow, may I help you?"

"Put that sleazedick on the phone."

Monica opened the door and saw an Afro below a desk and a smile on Bill's face."

"It's the justice department." Monica whispered.

Bill picked up the phone, "Bill's Summer Home, some are here, some are not..."

"Listen Willie I need you to call Valerie Jarret and order a drone strike."

Bill put his hand over the phone mouth piece and whispered to the afro under the desk. "Hey Erik you know where Valerie is?"

Meanwhile back at the mini mart Drake had set a date for everyone to come out with their hands up.

"Lucifer since you out rank the rest we need to set a date for ya'll to surrendy to the Broward County Militeee.... How's 4 weeks sound? "

Lucifer who was scratching off scratch off tickets won two dollars. "Two effing dollars? I scratched off 60 tickets and won two effing dollars? What a freaking scam..."

"Tell them to meet our demands.... I want a young school boy. Hillary wants two young lesbians and to talk to her clone. Satan wants to renegotiate his contract with Charlie Sheen and Lucifer says he wants Jerusalem."

Drake who had been hearing voices all morning asked the voices to identify themselves and one of the voices answered, "I am former white hat and I am calling from the planet Hope where we have relocated 9000 children and we were wondering if you could play Santa at our Hope Christmas this year?"

Drake replied, "You dirty bastard you step one foot in my head and I will shoot you in your former white ass."

"Is that a no?" asked the former white hat voice in Drake's head.

Drake looked at his pocket planner which was a napkin with mustard stains and notes and he said, "Sorry... I am busy with the winter solstice virgin sacrifice as the grand wizard master of the dagger..."

Just then Obama drove up in a Uhaul packed with his crap. "Hey man can you give me some directions to the Hawaii interstate?"

Nancy Pelosi peeked out from behind the oval office desk and whispered, "I am not who you think I am Drake I am a talking floor lamp."

Drake answered, "no shit talking floor lamp don't you know I know a talking floor lamp when I sees one?"

The situation remains a situation and Caleb couldn't be reached for comment he was writing the following contribution to the blog....

Lu... Lou.... lew.... I have to go to the lew.... carney's sleep walking looking for his long lost dog lulu.... lou.... bud abbot and lou costello.... lou's on first.... in lew of something important to say I will just sit here on the lew.... in lew of contributing anything of import.... import....import beeer.... important.... unimportant.... and now for something completely unimportant.... 

and aircow praised Calebs brilliant new word play....

Fulford played by an actor in Arizona best known for his work in the Jonestown psyop had to get to the dinner theater he was playing Willie Loman and Solarain was playing the suitcase.

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