Sunday, December 4, 2011

Recycling Brain Litter


I once answered an ad in Dramalogue to write for a married couple who wanted to do comedy. This is one of the bits I gave them and he liked it but never paid me. So I am recycling it here because I am the rainman of not wasting a moment of my creativity. By the time I'm done with this blog it will be like a landfill of what once filled my head and boxes and hard drives. Then I shall rest. 

We need to talk... I have been thinking about us and feel we should see other people...well... what I mean by that is you should stay home while I see if there is something out there I am missing out on...OH ALRIGHT...I'll stop for directions...Happy now...? Mini Mart clerk is going to think I'm a big pussy...

Wife: My husband doesn’t make a move without first doing a marketing survey…
Husband: That’s true, I was a marketing major in school, and I always took that little piggy song very seriously as a child.
Wife: He did a marketing survey to pick what market one should shop at…
Husband: And, I found you can’t trust grocery shoppers. Everyone told me a different market than the one they were shopping at… I figure they’re hoping to make the lines shorter…
Wife: Before choosing a disposable diaper or a diaper service, he spent 6 months studying the choices…
Husband: And we’ve made a darn good absorbent choice.
Wife: Yeah, but a week late. We had to have the carpets cleaned…
Husband: I still don’t believe baby’s don’t have more bladder control than that…
Wife: He took a marketing survey to see if we should get married…
Husband: Yes, and I had gotten some misinformation the first time, and when I found out, I doubted the findings of my data – Thus, the divorce. But, when I ran the second survey, I allowed a 3% margin for error and all findings indicated that percentage wise, it was actually a good investment that we re-marry…
Wife: This is true, we’ve been divorced from each other and re-married.
Husband: I was happy the first time, but I made the mistake of believing a survey that reported that marrying a woman who is much smarter, could jeopardize a marriage and then, I came to realize that whenever I had a question, I was always referred to a woman for the answer, concluding that “all” women were smarter, therefore, the survey was rendered flawed by a trick question…
Wife: People always ask me, how could you have married this guy a second time and I answer, “he had some very convincing flow charts.”
Husband: And I did, the second time I proposed, I got an even bigger diamond ring, and got on my knees with an even bigger pointer, with some very sharp looking charts and I gave her my presentation… I mean I proposed.
Wife: It was very touching… And, when he showed me the percentages confirming wedded bliss… I knew it wouldn’t be taking a chance but an invaluable merger.
Husband: I took a marketing survey to see how many people would like to see us together again, and overwhelmingly people said they didn’t give a damn one way or the other…
Wife: That sealed it for us…

The Bear Skin rug is watching....


Husband: My penchant for marketing probably stems from growing up with 13 brothers and sisters…
Wife: Why’s that?
Husband: My dad before he’d go into the bathroom was always very polite, he’d say, “who needs to use the bathroom before I stink it up?” And, usually at least 11 or 12 of us had to go.
Wife: How does that influence you to study marketing in school…
Husband: Questions like that, mom would ask,” who wants hamburger and who wants cheeseburgers?” or “How many eggs can you eat?” They were constantly taking surveys…
Wife: I see… Your entire life has been one big fact finding mission…
Husband: That’s right. When it came time to buy a new family car we became 13 stringers for consumer reports… All bringing clippings, articles, testimonials, all to the table… What did Car and Driver have to say, to Fritz at the VW Fix it Shop…
Wife: So, who’s car won?
Husband: Well, it really all came down to one important factor…
Wife: Which one sat 15…
Husband: Exactly…
Wife: Comfortably?
Husband: Well, without any important limbs hanging out the windows…
Wife: So, you bought a school bus?
Husband: No, two big station wagons and we all agreed that mom should have her tubes tied…
Wife: Dad, should have had his tubes tied…
Husband: My dad was always pretty good untangling knots…
Wife: So, now I understand where it all came from…
Husband: It makes sense now…




Wife: Where do you want to go eat after the show?
Husband: The office is working on that now. They have some figures they said they’d fax, but right now, taking into account your love for fresh vegetables, and my carnivorous nature… It’s looking like we may need to do some traveling… perhaps separately.
Wife: Can we just stop at Mc Donalds?
Husband: My findings suggest that from 9 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. Mc Donalds food sits in the warmers longer.
Wife: What are your findings on ordering a pizza?
Husband: I… I don’t have anything in the works. I can have my marketing research firm on that by Monday morning… Why didn’t you bring this up sooner?
Wife: I wanted to be “spontaneous.”
Husband: (Screams and holds his ears) I told you not to use that word!
Wife: My husband hates the word “spontaneous…”
Husband: (Holding ears) No, Stop!
Wife: He says, things explode spontaneously – Things are created with cautious planning…
Husband: Say that again…
Wife: Cautious planning…
Husband: Again…
Wife: Cautious planning…
Husband: I love you honey… You want to… Uh, be cautious tonight?
Wife: I would like very much to proceed with caution… But, after 3 children, I’m wondering if we’re not being cautious enough.
Husband: I love that… Not cautious enough… Oh baby…
Wife: We might have to call the show off a little early… Throw caution to the wind…
Husband: You just broke the mood… How could you say, that…
Wife: Perhaps, you didn’t study the proposal long enough… Form a committee… I mean a committee should really consist of more than just you can your…
Husband: Honey, uh… Let’s change the subject. Some of the children in the audience are beginning to tug on their dads shirt tails, wondering if we’re engaging in double entendre…
Wife: Kids hate that almost as much as spelling stuff behind their backs…
Husband: So, let’s just suffice to say, I believe a solid marketing plan should “always” be in place…
Wife: I think we should sell everything and take the children, one big knife, some loin cloth and run into the wilderness forever…
Husband: Well, all right… but, I’ll need time to find the best loin cloth… Maybe I can put in a few calls to Tarzan, see which wilderness Grizzly Adams likes.
Wife: Did you people ever get back to you on the best way to get off stage?
Husband: Yes, thanks for reminding me – They said, “Thank you, We’re Bryant and Joy, Drive Careful.” And to use the stairs, we’re the best option available…
Wife: That’s not very original…
Husband: We can’t afford to be original Joy, we’re doing comedy now… Take a risk here and you’re out… No, tried and true… It’s best we watch other comics, see what works for them, and do the exact same thing…
Wife: What? Stuff like how men don’t stop for directions and such?
Husband: Exactly… But, it seems our time is up…
Wife: Hi, I’m Joy and …
Husband: I’m Bryant…
Both: Goodnight and Drive careful!

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