REST HOME RIOT
EUSTIS FLORIDA- 10 are dead and 50 injured in a bloody riot that took place just after dinner Tuesday night at the Hazy Past Rest Home in Eustis Florida. "It all began when the screws refused to let us watch Lawrence Welk Show on PBS Sunday night. Most of us have been groupies for 7 decades and Larry-we call him Larry-is well-wonnerful, wonnerful." Gertrude Rosenstein was quoted as saying before she grabbed her heart and expired.
Adeline Rose Bump told the reporter, "Fred rammed the attendant in the knees with his wheel chair and the white coat went down with Pearl on top of him cause he kicked her walker out from under her. Then all bejesus took place."
Veteran attendant Dirk Flircher was hospitalized with multiple gum wounds on his back and neck. Flircher was very upset but commented, "Old people got sharp gums."
Most of the deaths resulted from buzzers going unanswered during the riot, people who need stuff like oxygen to survive. The injuries ranged from scores of broken hips to denture plates everywhere, broken and laying in pools of saliva. No one seems to know whose dental plate belongs to whom but most are just settling for a close enough fit.
Now that the kids are out of the house, let's talk murder/suicide pact...
OLD PEOPLE DECLARED VALUABLE ANTIQUES
From the guy who first thought of the beanie baby scam comes a new idea that is sweeping the Antique Industry. Old People who were once thought to hold little to no value bordering on worthless and expendable are now being bought by upper middle class young married couples to dress up their Victorian turn of the century decor. The old people purchased and placed in the perfect spot to give the antique interior that old people smell.
"I found this doddering old woman walking down the street, took her home, glued her feet into an old milk urn, put a lamp shade from 1919 on her head and voila"
Unlike beanie babies whose market will most certainly bottom out when reality comes home from its temporary vacation--old people are expected to retain their value even after they expire, providing they are stuffed with beans within 48 hours.
What can be said that hasn't been said. No matter how long you live, life is short. Above are some comical articles about aging. In my opinion there are way too many literalists running around in this world. I had a sister say I shouldn't make fun of the elderly.
I could write an article saying how awful many of our aging men and women are treated with abandon and disposable disregard or I can call attention to it with one of my absurdist articles. My heightened sense of our irrational twisted world, where I exaggerate for the sake of laughing at what is sadly true or truly sad.
Throughout our lives, our struggles, sometimes we have those days or weeks or years where so many things go wrong we just start laughing. "What next God?" We say to the sky as the rain pours and the phone rings.
But we laugh because sometimes life is absurdly funny and incredibly unexpected.
We have particularly bought into the idea of safety and security like the object of life is to suck air as long as possible. But most know that life is about doing something important with it before we can't. Sometimes endangering our own life for strangers to live.
Often it is to bring children in who will do good works too. But let this be pause for the elderly. Think about the one's you know and don't know right now. Then go visit them. It's such a small thing with such a big hearted smile waiting.
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