Saturday, November 5, 2011

Slow News Day Volume 2


HOLLYWOOD-Plastic Surgeon to the stars Dr. Pete Siliconi has pioneered a new plastic surgery procedure that completely removes a butt attaching legs to Torso.
Hundreds of Celebes including Cher, Janet Jackson, Roseanne Barr and George Hamilton are considering the tricky procedure.
"Butts are just so much trouble..." Said Siliconi. "Sure it's there to be kissed but most celebrities find it's easier just to do without it.

Uh oh... I think the condom slipped off...

Miami- At sea for 3 weeks 12 Cuban refugees washed up on the Florida shore in a boat made from their own peeling skin. Asked what gave them the idea, they said they need a renewable source of energy and since they had wind but no sail and desire but no boat it just seemed like the natural thing to do. The sun baking their skin off layer after layer, they worked day and night grafting each sheet of dry peeling skin into either sails or vessel. "We started out swimming but by the end of the week we had a boat big enough for us all to stretch out our legs.

We've run upon a sandbar Sir...

Washington: High-ranking officials at the Pentagon announced a 975 billion-dollar plan to relocate anybody who is not working with the government, to the moon.
"Air and water will be made available to those who qualify for assistance but most will just have to figure it out for themselves when they get there." Said Colonel Hawk who found himself waiting in lines over the weekend and thought to himself, "No one can stop us, why the hell not."
The first shuttle packed with a neighborhood just outside of the District of Columbia is scheduled for launch Tuesday morning.

6000 billion light years with AM radio... Not sure who I will kill first...
Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity... 


ARIES: The sun is in Gemini. The moon is in Taurus slowing everything down. Especially the teenage pile of sap making a snail seem both smarter and faster at McDonalds. You will feel like screaming "MOVE FASTER YOU FREAKING PUDDLE OF STAGNANT ACNE CREAM" but you don't.

TAURUS: Today Uranus is revolving around and around. You will go dancing.

GEMINI: The sun is in your window. Close the curtains if it bothers you. If you go out don't forget to come home. Just a reminder.

CANCER: You will slip in the bathroom and hit your head on the toilet. You will dream you go to the land of FLUSHYFLUSHY and little turd creatures will do a little song and dance reviving you with mouth to mouth resuscitation. You will come to and brush your teeth profusely.

LEO: The sun is in Gemini, so Taurus has the day off. Beware of telephones, they will ring suddenly and without warning. If you choose to answer it, try saying hello with just a hint of curiosity in your voice. This will usually prompt the caller to respond. In time you will find out who they are and what they want. If it is a telemarketer brake their eardrums with a ear piercing yelp.

VIRGO: Taurus is in Gemini or Vice versa, I forget. The moon is up there somewhere too. Mooning is a morons idea of a sense of humor. Look at my butt, ha ha ha. It's times like that you wish you had a BB gun.

LIBRA: Watch out. The moon is watching you especially at night. Get a hat.

SCORPIO: Saturn is hovering around Taurus. One is a pretty nice car the other is a piece of crap. Your career is on the upswing. Goody for you you yuppie slave.

SAGITTARIUS: You don't play by the rules and one day everyone is going to turn and look at you. Try stopping at a stoplight today. If you don't like it, go back to running each and everyone. You are special.

CAPRICORN: Things aren't going as planned. The big plan? You might as well forget about it. Why continue? Taurus and Saturn and the moon and the stars and Jeesh...what a mess. Forget the big plan it's not going to happen today.

AQUARIUS: The sun is in Gemini. It's time for your every decade confession. Go to your clergyman and tell them all those nasty horrible things you do when nobody is looking. Then kill him.

PISCES: Practice makes perfect which explains why you are a perfect jerk. Next time you are "only doing what your told." remember the air and water you're polluting and the children in third world countries you're abusing. Get your check and go home to a sitcom and forget it. Hungry children? Hey microscopic parasites need to eat too


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