Saturday, November 5, 2011

Slow News Day Volume 1...



If anyone is going to pinch hit for our son it is going to be me... 
You are behind on child support and you suck at everything!


HIGH DEFINITION TOASTER TO OVERTAKE INDUSTRY

The long awaited new 4 dimensional sliceomatic HD toaster with the Whirlybird ZQ 7 hydrocondenser will make toast in the future even toastier. High definition toast or HDT not only toasts the bread but butters it and in the comtron XZZ model, can actually open tightly sealed Jelly jars while sending the warm toast to breakfast tables via the internet.
HDT was first developed by NASA who planned on putting cinnamon toast on the moon by the millenium. Although the moon is now littered with the burnt remains of failed toast launches, in 1998 a bagel broke the sound barrier by landing lightly toasted near a crater which has since been filled with low sodium cream cheese. "Toast has entered a new era," Said one scientist who added, "Although I'm not sure why."




Necessity is the mother of invention... You are planning on
 leaving your wife aren't you?



FARMERS DECIDE TO GO TO GROCERY STORE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE


IOWA-The Produce coalition announced Monday that it is so much quicker to just go to the produce section in their grocery store. Thus ending months of hard toil and sweat in an effort to grow vegetables. The farmers said it was time they could be spending with their own daughters.


When birds start falling from the sky dead and the government
denies any knowledge you know something is seriously...
Did his eyes just move?



PAST LIFE SUCKED TOO!

After a long and arduous study of my family tree I have come to the conclusion oh well what the fuck.





Ummmm... No relation... seriously... none... never met the man....don't know who he is... My DNA is not his DNA...  





 INSURANCE COMPANY INVENTS NEW CLAIM PROOF CLAUSE:

Wisconsin-Dick Meagan of Milwaukee was awarded a million-dollar bonus for drafting a foolproof loophole, which will allow insurance companies to stop paying, claims all together. Thus greatly increasing the incoming cashflow and negating the outgoing cash flow.

The tictac no trade back policy will be implemented utilizing the possession of your money is nine tenths of the law--law.
"We come up with some great loopholes and this one has been staring us in the face for hundreds of years and we just didn't see it." Said Dick Meagan.


Attorneys for the rich and powerful 1% that owns everything said, "If it is illegal it soon won't be. That is the beauty of making it up as we go along."



When you say quick quote on insurance...How quick?





HOLLYWOOD REPORTS SHORTAGE OF CELEBRITIES

HOLLYWOOD-Haywood Hurrahski the president of the celebrities union in Hollywood called an emergency press conference to discuss the rapidly growing need for more celebrities.

"We need more men, women and children who are willing to come forward and become celebrities." Said Hurrahski. "There are more cable channels and not enough fresh faces. Reruns can only do so much. Thank God for infomercials but the truth is were on the brink of disaster."

Announcing a 5 point plan to call up reserves from the 50's and 60's Hurrahski said, "The guy who played Himey on Get Smart has agreed to lend a hand on the weekends and Larry Storch said he could give a few hours on Wednesday but that's not nearly enough. MTV said they would groom some new fresh faces but asked if they had to have talent.
"At this point no." Hurrahski said fighting back tears. "When a star like Whoopie Goldberg has to give up her movie career to be the center square on Hollywood squares...You know something is seriously wrong."

Ruth Buzze and Hal Lindsay could not be reached for comment.


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