Saturday, November 5, 2011

Police State of Confusion







THE PARAGUN by gene kalmes



Man: “Oh shit… A cop… What’s the speed limit? 35… I was doing 38… Slow down… Oh shit… Here he comes…

(Siren)

Man: “Damn… Uh, evening… What’s the problem officer?”

Cop: “Can I see your license?”

Man: “Sure.., What did I do wrong, sir?”

Cop: “I got you clocked at 9…”

Man: “9 miles an hour?”

Cop: “No… 9 on the paragun…

Man: “Paragun? What’s that? One of those new radar guns that shoots around corners and through walls?”

Cop: “No… It measures paranoia…”

Man: “Paranoia?”

Cop: “That’s right… On a scale of 1 to 10, you hit a little past 9…”

Man: “A paranoid gun… This is a gag, right?”

Cop: “No gag, Mr. Smith… Step out of the car…”

Man: “On what grounds..?”

Cop: “The same ground I’m standing on… (Door opens).

Man: “This is outrageous…”






Cop: “Up against the car… Spread your legs…”

Man: “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of… A paranoia gun! You guys are out to get me!”

Cop: “People who register anywhere from 5 to 10 are generally guilty of something.., People who score 1-4 are just usually your basic everyday paranoid schizophrenics…”

Man: “I want to see the paragun reading…”

Cop: “Step back to my car…”

Man: “Okay.”

Cop: “Here you go… The number on the left is my reading… The one on the right is yours… See.., it reads 9.”

Man: “Your reading is an 8.”

Cop: “I thought perhaps you were a cop killer…”

Man: “This is crazy…”





Cop: “Sit in the back of the squad car while I search your car…”

Man: “I protest… This is a plot…”

Cop: “Back of the car, Mr. Smith… (Door slam)

Man: “If you find anything, I was framed and it was a plant!”

Cop: “Now, let’s see… a pot seed, a pocket constitution, a towel from a Holiday Inn, 2 unpaid parking tickets and a bag of groceries with no receipt… Looks like I’ve got you good, Mr. Smith… You are under arrest. Anything you say can be used against you…”

Man: “Anything I say is always used against me…”



Look, can you cut me a break seeing as though we are practically brothers... You enforce the law and I break it... I mean where would you be without me?




STAR TREK PHASER PHASED INTO LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT

LAKE COUNTY ILLINOIS- The Deerfield Police Department will be the test pilots for the Star Trek inspired Phaser guns. A small device that sits in the palm of the hand with two settings, STUN and KILL will be tested by The Deerfield Police Department who are very excited about it. Stun will make a person do this strange little arch of the back, moan and fall to the floor out cold and "Kill" will do the same only you're dead. Police are being asked to set the guns on stun. Said one officer; "They're really cool. I just wish they put some kind of icon on the settings to indicate which was which. Luckily we've been practicing on dogs at the Humane Shelter.


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2 comments:

  1. I do a lot of traveling as a comedian. Driving through Alabama, I got a speeding ticket. . . I had a bad case of hiccups when I got pulled over. . . The cop pulled me out of the car and beat the crap out of me. . . He thought I kept calling him a hick cop.

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  2. The moneymasters video is my bible, I have watched it at least a dozen times…everyone needs to watch it repeatedly…

    I was a bit melancholy in my protest of being an artist in a world that picks the meat off the bone of an artist’s babies…

    I long learned to live with this reality by enjoying the process and offering it all up on the internet…

    I still long for recognition and a few dollars because the hole just keeps getting deeper but I hope to be a voice not just for artists but small biz, farmers, anyone beaten down and disallowed any personal power….

    I found a Polish site where it shows my videos are getting hundreds of thousands of views but in America blatant censorship…one video halted at 321 views for the last 10 months even though I know many people who have watched it…

    my conclusion is that they recognize my ability as something they don’t want to gain popularity….I don’t think that is ego–I have proof that the work has been passed around the world– I tend to put ideas into concepts that generally differ from the officially narrow sanctioned stay in this box or that box thinking….

    Above are a couple of my absurdist humor pieces that is another direction I sometimes use to either make political points or exercise out of the box thinking…
    hopefully entertaining….

    Our minds have the potential to work in all directions simultaneously….And yet they would term that mental illness…

    Lockstep is their goal…It is my duty as a proud mind owner to defy that narrowing of thought in every way I can….

    Here I take a shot at secrte agents…for though they are seemingly employed by sides in direct conflict, the reality is they are pushing the same agenda…sneakiness….

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