Thursday, November 10, 2011

2002 A Cyberspace Oddity



ROBOTS INVADE WASHINGTON By Gene Kalmes

Washington- Most of us on the left suspected something. He never seemed quite human. The way he sits so erect. That wooden movement and complexion. That voice that never seems to inflect too high or low but maintains a level that is almost contrary to human emotion.

And yes, there is a hand up his ass controlling his mouth. George Will was created by an italian woodcraftsman named Gepetto who first gained notoriety when he carved a little liar named Pinnochio.

The nose that grew with fabrication almost destroyed the program in its infancy but was later fixed by switching to pine. Apparently Pine like the American public has no concept of lying and its consequences.

Soon the top secret program shot Gepetto in the head and hired a Japanese Robotics Lab to make better use of technology and its potential for lying to the public in a much more efficient manner maximizing the lie and minimizing the conscience.

But this barely begins to tell the tale of Washington spokes puppets. Ventriloquism was widely used in the 50’s and 60’s but in the late 70’s, Robots began to replace the spokes puppets.

Ted Koppel was the first Robotron to replace wooden dummies. You knew it already but finally confirmation. His voice could only come from an electronic synthesizer. And yes that is a toupee but it doesn’t cover a baldhead, it covers a circuit board. known to only a few as The “Teddy Bore” or the “Conservatron 1980”.

But Ted was just the beginning of the spokes puppet line of robots that eventually gave way to superior technology with the strength of a thousand men. The Attorney General Reno was one of the first of these and has been seen rearranging parked cars at the justice department by hand. The Reno had been slated as a line of Lesbian Robots that were to seize control of Florida and was programmed slightly more to the left to work with and enjoy giving and getting special massages from Hillary Clinton.

The Reno was partly responsible for the Waco disaster, because a chip planted in her mercy board had been accidentally installed from the mean spirited Republitrons, a conservatron line of propagandist robots that include the Coulter and the Gingrich.

Many in Washington always wondered why George Will never touched his meal at political luncheons but often saw a hand coming up from under the table.

That was George Stephanopoulos who originally came to Washington as a street mime and puppeteer before being drafted into a top-secret program to create inhuman spokes people who would play both sides of the fence distracting millions of Americans. Meanwhile behind the scenes, America was being dismantled piece by piece.

Koppel’s hair alone cost 6 billion dollars since it was designed to reprocess martinis into water proof and bullet proof hair guard…An acrylic like substance that helps to keep the circuit board dry.

In recent years the wooden George Will has been converted to alloy and revamped to free up George Stephanopoulos’s arm. The “Will” who can now walk on its own and is programmed to attack any sign of emotion from the people around him still has many bugs.

Stephanopoulos had to be trained at MIT to change George’s circuit board every 3 days and had to start lifting weights to be able to remove the 300-pound bulletproof hair guard. They plan to phase George Will out around the year 2060 but until then, they are confident that his hair will protect the circuit board for another 50 years.

By then The Republitron Cyborgs, which are designed to eat liberals and create petroleum by product that is 10 times more toxic then oil, will be firmly in place. The Slick Willie Charmatron 1992 is of course Bill Clinton who is the only one of it’s kind. Designed to charm the world. However, the system had a few bugs. They had hoped to create a robot that could have sex unlike the Bob Dole conservatrons of old but something went wrong.

The “Willie”, they hoped would be able to charm anyone, anybody and anything into the sack where his recorder would relay all pillow talk to the CIA. However, the learning chip, which is designed to make a robot or computer get smarter with each experience, got stuck in the hump mode. The Willie has reportedly bedded down everyone from Ann Coulter to Mikhail Gorbachev.

Coulter who was designed to hold a grudge felt spurned when The Willie wouldn’t leave the Hillary. Hillary is not a robot by the way and is believed to be a genetic experiment that combined the DNA of the modern woman with a rooster.

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Okay, if the article was too much for your puritan sensibilities... definitely do not watch this video...




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Has anyone ever done any reading on robotics and cloning? The science is certainly mind boggling. In the not so distant future I will return to this post an add some links about the subject. Things that will blow your circuits.

3 comments:

  1. Schmucker14: What the hell? Don't tell me you are pro robot? They are taking our jobs!


    Geno: Robotist…! My mother told me there were people like you who would only see a robot where a synthetic miracle of science was…

    It is I who dispatched my robot thought control secret team to harrass your network and send you a signal…I am robot hear me beep!

    Actually I’m not but some of my best friends are robots…in fact I was married to one…cold circuitry inside and out…but that’s besides the point…

    Robotism is the new plague of the heart and mind…

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poker Game of the Near Future

    Orbs: “Ok, ante up. Game is 7 card stud.”
    Geno: “What’s the ante?”
    O: “1 500 ml bottle of reversed osmosis AND distilled water.”
    Pal: “RO and distilled? Don’t you think that is a little steep?”
    Cards are dealt…
    O: “Ok Geno, it is your bet.”
    G: “Check.”
    “Bets to you Pal.”
    P: I bet 5 rounds of 9mm. You in or out Orbs?”
    O: I call. Call of fold Geno.
    G: I will call 5 rounds of 9mm and raise on jar of 2013 peaches. Call, raise of fold Pal.
    P: Did you say 2013?
    G: That’s right sport. Throw big or don’t throw at all.
    P: I think your bluffing… I call. Up to you Orbs.
    O: Call.
    Another card… Bet is to Geno.
    G: Check.
    P: I smell weakness. Who raises 2013 peaches, in glass, and then checks? That’s gonna cost you ace. I bet 2 cans of Sept 2013 pre BP Gulf tuna. (winks at orbs).
    O: You bastard. You got me. I fold. That is too rich for me and I get the feeling you got the cards. It’s up to you Geno to keep him honest.
    Geno throws in his cards…
    G: If you had only bet 2012 tuna, I would have called. Nice hand Pal. Show us what you had.
    P: You got to pay to see em sonny boy…

    O º


    LOL Orbs,

    I was going to bet my boxer shorts….the 2009 ones…

    Comment by eugenekalmes on April 9, 2011 @ 10:55 pm

    I wear out of date clothes…my disco shirt is my camo…

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hilarious! Are you the brilliant commentor on the fulford site? Best sourced contributor on there! You're the reason I go there. Where else may I find you?

    ReplyDelete